Dear sweet lord I cannot possibly describe the incredible ammount of APATHY I am expiriencing right now. Here I am, two hours from my very last final. I distinctly remember updating my LJ last year during my math final...XD! Oh Dr. Jimenez, you have officially been replaced as 'worst math teacher ever' in my book by a Mr. David Tucker. >< Seriously, I think the only difference between the two is the distinct lack of computers in the class. And Jimenez actually encouraged people to show up. I shit you not, the first words out of Tucker's mouth was "I dont care if you show up or not. Just be here on exam days, 'cause thats all I'm counting as your grades." Upon hearing that I just KNEW I was gonna fail the class. And low and behold! Once again I'm looking at an F. And the sick thing is that I actually fucking TRIED this time around!

Right now I'm essentially gonna hand in my last homework assignment and brace myself to see another 20-30 as a final grade and spend my entire summer being paranoid about my parents seeing my transcripts. Cause there's no way I'm gonna be informing them I flunked it. >< GOD I'm so fucking sick of math! And I'm starting to wonder if I have a form of Discalculia, which is a mental disorder I had no idea about until my advisor mentioned it--its essentially the inability to understand mathmatics beyond the basic four operations and spacial reasoning. Some of the symptoms I've expirienced that have been listed is the occasional numerical dyslexia, difficulty telling left from right,a poor sense of direction, difficulty navigating, and difficulty remembering concepts, rules, and formulas. I absolutely LOATHE the idea of going to the Academic services Dept. of the school and having myself tested....saying that I have a disability just seems like such a cheap way to cop-out, but I dont know what else to do. I've been to casual and professional tutors, barely scraped by in high school and have now failed two college-level classes and dropped one. God, I've got such a problem...and I'm afraid that my parents won't believe me. My dad has never once given me too hard of a time about math, even though he's really good at it. And he's never really too upset with my failing the math classes---he tells me that he had to take a math class 8 times before he passed one. But my mother? Aurgh, anybody who's read my journals can figure out she's an utter Nazi with no sympathy whatsoever. What depresses me the most is the fact that she doesnt even look at the As and Bs I get in my other classes. All she sees is the F and its all back to the constant emotional beratement and harassment over the summer and phone calls during the school year. 

Aye me...

Apathy has pretty much taken hold of me these past few weeks. My grades have dropped drastically, especially Drawing. My final TANKED so hardcore I was EMBARASSED to put it up on the wall. I'm just...artistically burnt out. And I've hit another one of those depressive cycles when I'm questioning my abilities. I'm stuck in this horrible Jack-of-Trades/Intermidiate level of artistic ability. I'm not a shitty artist, but I'm nothing stellar either, and I WANT to be stellar SO FUCKING BADLY. Yet its as if no matter how much I doodle and practice, I'm still gonna be staring at a stack of flimsy, cheap drawings.  feel so damned confused all the time now, especially artistically. The anime style's so deeply engraved in my system I can't seem to shake it, and I wasn't even that good at it to begin with. I see so many people able to transition into a Disney/Bluth house style from anime, and be sucessful at it...WHY CANT I DAMNIT!! And other feelings of mediocrity come wiht the art territory...16 year olds are producting Popular-ranked artwork at DeviantArt on Wacom tablets and I still can't even use one. And I want to, so badly...I have such beautiful images and pictures swirling around in my head but there's only so much I can express with a pencil and colored pencils. 


I havent updated my journal or even looked at my friends list for so long. Mostly because I feel such a sharp pain in my heart whenever I even SEE the word "Gackt" and I can't understand why that is. And the friends list is obviously littered with Anime and Jrock. I find myself supressing and rejecting anything Japanese-related because I'm terrified I'll end up relapsing into the Gackt obsession. I think I sorta know what its like for recovering hard-drug addicts now...and I can't describe how profoundly disappointed in him that I am. All of the sudden too! I understand Dezuma's points now so much better than I did a few months ago. I think he's becoming such a fucking sell-out. I mean, the "Gacktoid"? oO...who the FUCK wants a toy to similuate the sound of his voice? Its just fucking retarded. 

I still have a lot of his merchendise I gotta get rid of, including a bunch of photobooks and other neat stuffs, but since my last selling attempt was so rocky I'm kinda reluctant to try to do it again. But I want all of the Gackt stuff to just go away!! I spent so much money, time, and emotional investment in him and now...aurgh. *headdesks* 

Its so damned stupid to be so depressed over an Asian celebrity.

Wow, it's been....several weeks since I last updated this. And a lemme tell you guys a LOT has happened!

Spring Break in the Outer Banks was absolutely amazing. My friends and I had such a blast, bless Mr. and Mrs. K for taking us there with them! ^^ We took loads and loads of pictures, but they're all on my facebook and atm I'm on a friend's computer. Ah well, I'll be sure to toss a few things up the next time I update.

In any case, I sold a lot of my Gackt-items, but I haven't sold enough! I still have two photobooks, many cds, a poster set....the list goes on. I sense an Ebay adventure in my future. But I'm absolutely 100% grateful to the people who bought stuff from me. I wasn't exactly stellar with the shipping because of Spring Break and all the emotional turbulence I encountered arriving back at school, but everybody was so understanding. Thank you!

Lemme tell you though, getting back to school was UTTER HELL. The first week back was absolutely the most miserable stretch of time I have ever expirienced in my life. At this point I can't remember exactly what was going on--but I do remember being suffocated by a lot of homework and drama among the friends.

Friend-drama...holy shit there's been an awful lot of that lately. Some of it is my fault too---there's a new man in my life, its pretty damn serious, and trying to find a happy balance between bf-time and friend time is fantastically difficult. My roommate is also becoming excessively difficult to live with ever since Ben and I started dating. I know they don't get along very well but there's other stuff going on that I'm too tired to even attempt to explain. But there's only TWO more weeks of school left. TWO. I will live, I'm determined to be so.

To everybody on my friends list, I'm gonna bounce back to being my regular, comment-spastic self...once I remove all the Jrock/Gackt links/groups from my friends page. *sighs* Oh Gackt....I can't even bear to look at a picture of him anymore, much less listen to his music. LJ is where my fandom of him started and it holds such fond memories. Its how I met so many of you guys on my f-list! But still, I miss you all so much!

This weekend I go to meet Ben's family. Oooohhhh man am I jittery like none other.

Wish me luck!!

Mmkay I am feeling utterly sick and disgusting in-general. The last hours of my weekend were something of a mixed blessing. Saturday night was fun...got royally plastered. The only thing is I dont think it was worth the price I paid for it yesterday. I have NEVER expirienced hangover pain like the crap I had to endure. Either I had a lot more than I thought, or the rumor of nicotine + booze = intensified drunkenness. I spent the majority of the day in conditions simillar to those on the D.A.R.E posteres: Slumped over the toilet dry heaving and other unpleasantries. Not to mention the headache! URGH! Funny story though, my friends and I actually went down to the dining hall to try to consume something to absorb the alcoholic remains in our systems. There was a little voice in my head barking at me that this was a piss-idea and that I wasn't gonna make it without up-chucking. And low and behold! My prediction came true--I tossed my cookies on my plate and right outside the glass doors. Only mildly embarassing...XD! My roomie, who hadn't drank, was gracious enough to take care of me and after a three-hour nap and a shot of IBprofane, I was good as new. The only thing I had to do differently was watch what I ate. Somehow I had the feeling I shouldn't push my stomach, so it was bland spaghetti and a few bite of fried chicken with ginger ale. Ah well, Julia and I ordered a pizza earlier. 

*sighs* There's been way too many stressful things going on lately. My portfolio is due in the office by the end of the week, and the results of this will be the difference between getting an animation degree and being forced to take up graphic-design instead. *sobs hysterically* I CAN'T HANDLE THIS! I mean, I know that i'm decent but when I look at my options of what I can submit I kinda cringe. 90% of it is stylized and in my Japan-fandom era and in lieu of recent POV changes, I'd prefer not to be associated with the anime style. Urgh, I got a LOT of drawing to do over the next couple of days....Oh yeah, and my car has completely shot itself to a point that not even jumper-cables work. Somehow I gotta find the time to call up the Volkeswagen people again and get them to fix my poor Black Jack! The problem is his damned battery. I left the lights on (STUPID ME!) and didn't drive the car for a week and a half. Put that on top of the shittiest weather conditions in life, and Black Jack's not feeling too hot. This greatly annoys me because quite frankly, I DONT HAVE TIME!!! @.@ Whats a gal to do??? 

Lucky for me my Drawing class was cancelled this morning. Unfortunately I now have to actually go make use of that time and do my 3D homework that I neglected in order to get the Drawing homework done. Go figure when you bust your ass on a project all night the teacher doesn't show when its due. *plops on off*

Never thought I'd see this day. Niether did my friends, quite frankly. Most of them felt my forehead, prodded for any sickness, asked WTF had happened. Asked if Hell froze over. But in any case, for the first time in a long time I feel free. He's not the center of my universe anymore. I tell you I think I grew up a little last week! *quivers* I blame my Intercult. Comm. teacher and the video he had us watch in class about Yukio Mishima. Stupid man, really, but as the personality traits and his life were listed, familliar things became glaringly apparent. For the first time I was able to take a look at him without the fangirl-blindness. I see a nationalist, hollow existance inside a shell of plastic. Not to impune on his talent, he definately has it. But I'm retiring the label of "Gackt Worshipper" 

So now I begin to put everything away. My walls and shelf look lonely and empty and my iPod has a little too much free memory.

It feels wonderful to be free.  

Hiiii everybody! Okay, I have to go on a rant about school and classes right this second because I have class in thirty minutes and if I dont get rid of these feelings RIGHT FUCKING NOW I'm gonna pop. 

I hate it when I show up to class and not have my homework. And this time I sincerely did not do it intentionally! The one thing I have to get used to again this semester is actually having to do homework. The...three non-art classes that I had last semester NEVER had h/w so I've grown completely accostumed to making big mental sticky notes about art projects but not on things to print out and bring to class. This terrifies the living daylights out of me because my new non-art teachers are kinda sticklers abotu things, and now that I've finally broken the 3.00 GPA I'd like to keep it like that!!! *cries hysterically* 

AHEM! In other news, I have fallen back in utter love with my favorite Disney movie. Unfortunately, there are so few people who have seen it and it has got to be one of the most underappriciated films Disney ever produced, DESPITE the fact that it was the first animated feature to ever have CGI animation in it!! 





I'll come back and probably write a full essay sort of deal on why the Great Mouse Detective is so flippin great.

RIP Heath Ledger, who was my first knight in shining armor. The reason I started seeing cowboys as utterly sexy when they turned out to be gay. And the guy playing the archnemisis of my favorite super hero. What the hell!! All I have to say about this is why the FUCK couldnt it have been some worthless celebrity like Britany Spears or Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan or that other socialite bitch ex best friend of Hilton chickidee? At least Heath actually CONTRIBUTED something positive to the entertainment business!

 Urgh I absolutely hate it when I end up playing IM tag with a friend. It's completely annoying yet something that can't be helped since its caused by outside disturbances or plain boredom of sitting and waiting for the other. --0 Oh well, hopefully tomorrow or sometime. XD! 

Once again I find myself utterly enamored with 

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There is something so utterly beautiful about this song, and having Gackt sing in it is pretty much a bonus. Anybody who's on Dears probably remembers the drawing of the Samurai coming home from war I tossed up, but in any case I had this clip playing for 4 hours out of the total production time I think. ITS TOO FRIGGIN PRETTY!! *siiiggghhh and sparkly eyes* Oh Gackt, serenade me!!!! <3333 

It's snowing hardcore outside, just like the nightmare I had the other night...and it's 3 degrees outside. --0 I can feel the cold sneaking in through the windows even though I'm two feet from them, and when you look outside you can barely see the streetlamps. CRAZY!!!!

Okay, I have just been made to sit through a Vince Vaughn film. I hate this guy and every movie he's been in so far. Before I start raving about that, I'm noticing that that Vince and the Vince I know not only look alike but behave in the exact same manner--rude, loud mouthed, inconsiderate, and a piss-actor. However, I am in heavy debt to my roomie because in "The Break-Up" there is a character who eminates my every fantasy and dream of who I'd like to become one day: 





Damn you to hell, Satoru Okabe.

I miss Rachael. 

No, Gackt hasn't keeled over dead in some tragic car accident or overdosed on some strange drug. Thank/Forbid God. But last night I had to endure the most horrid of all Gackt dreams I have ever expirienced. Usually when I dream of Gackt they're either adventerous (we were secret agents once!) or romantic (we're not getting into those) or a potential/typical fan-meets-idol scenerio. But this one! *shudders violently* Sweet Jesus, I was traumatized!

Moving on away from that, I finished a new piece of art today! Just a quickie thing I cranked out in two hours, hence the reason for the crappy shading of the background but whatever, the characters look great! ^^ 

And of course, the traditional Gackt-splurge. Today's theme is White ^^ 

OKAY I'M DONE I SWEAR!! *runs off* 

Or the back of my neck hairs tingling as I put my head on the guiotine's (sp?) pedestal. Hoollly craaaappp just what the hell have I gotten myself into this semester? Granted my classes hence far are mondoly awesome but SHIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTT how I shudder at the workload --0. Already in my Communications class I have a term-paper to write! But at least the teacher, Dr. Smith, is a very educated, well traveled, well cultured, very intelligent man. AND HE LIVED IN JAPAN!!!!!!!! Plus my Drawing II teacher is a STUD! Chilli peppers to him all the way on ratemyprofessors.com. ^^

Math is gonna be utter hell though. Don't dare try to dispute me about it! Ten minutes into the lecture and I already dislike the professor and find him to be rude, lazy, and in-general, UNHELPFUL! GOD I am SOOOOO FUCKED!

I'm gonna go binge-eat.

And I'm actually kinda bummed about it! It'll probably be spent packing up all my crap, doing laundry, and saying goodbye to my mom until March. *sniffles* You never really know how much of a home-monkey you are until you have to live far away from it for extended periods of time. But hell it's a good sign I suppose because it shows you're happy with your homelife. *shrug* 

On the flipside, I can't wait to return to school. I miss everybody so much! TT Not to mention I start my animation classes on Monday! *cheers* 

Alas I have virtually nothing else to update. I keep getting distracted by youtube clips of Gackt's past appearences on television shows. He's such a loveable dork... though in this one appearence wtih the Domoto Brothers he gets SHY. And jitterly... I want to glomp him. And the look on his face when the Heyx3 hosts unveiled an enormous toy Gundam statue...the whole world got a glimpse of littleboy!Gackt. Too cuuuutttee!! All in all, Gackt's such a charming, quirky guy. But that's not exactly a news cast. --0

Bloody hell, I hate it when my sleep schedual is so damned off! I slept until four this afternoon and I knew the second I looked at the clock I was screwed for any form of sleep tonight. And lo and behold, I was totally right. It's five in the morning, I'm wide awake, and my Mom needs me to be up and about in the morning to help her move shit in the garage. *groans* Manual labor mixed with utter exhaustion fucking sucks. Good thing that once all the crap in the garage is shifted I can go collapse and take a nap.

I'm estatic that the damned block I've been expiriencing over the past two days with my Moonchild story is finally gone. I actually sat down and rewrote a scene I wasn't happy with, and BOOM, it's moving smoothly again. And it wasn't as taxing/bad as I thought it would be. Usually I get frustrated and pissy at the thought of redoing a scene I'd already written. I'm also delighted about the responses I got from the ladies at 

dears when I asked if any of them would be willing to beta the story for me. I'm hoping that I can manage to impress the latest interest, a die-hard Sho/Kei fan. I think that if I can get her to like my OC I think I'm in pretty damn good shape XD!!

Randomy, I just found out that a rather good-looking Japanese boy I've been oogling at for thirty minutes or so happens to be a porn-star icon in Japan. Like the Japanes Fabio. Yoshiya Minami. Lol, the boy is as much Walking Porn as Gackt is. I just might look into this guy's films...EBAY TIME!!! And randomly, that's something I've never considered looking into...Japanese live action yaoi porn. Whooooaaaaa.....the intrigue. The nosebleeds. Lord help us all! 

 

I'm such a Gacktshipper, sometimes I scare myself. --0

Kind of.

My God tho, I  never realized how harrowing the task of tearing down a Christmas tree could be. Not to mention how much of a nightmare that sprinkly, stringy tinsel shit is. I think the worse part was between getting the tree out of the stand and vacuming up all the damned needles. @@ But I've been feeling lazy all day. I blame the lack of sleep. 

 *holds up the new CD in all of it's Gackty-Glory* 

So my copy of Normal Edition 0079-0088 cd FINALLY got here today! And I dont care if the majority of it is a copy/paste job from his older albums, Ai Senshi has absolutely stolen my heart. The original version of the song totally blows in my opinion so I was terrified upon hearing that song was going to be included in Gackt's covers. Then I say the Heyx3 performance and was efficiently comatosed. Hearing the full version is fabbity! Also, the instrumental piece is highly droolable too. I'm not crazy about the last song on the track tho...high-pitched!Gackty hits me the wrong way. (*ducks from massive onslaught of terror from the other fans*).  

I do think that I'm gonna stop using YesAsia for my Gackt goods tho. Not only did it take 3 weeks to deliver a priority shipping item that SHOULD have been 2-5, but customer services were rude and kinda testy when I emailed them about the shipment. Whatever, I will simply no longer shop there.

Ooh, to all of my friends, I need a new layout. I'm bored with this one. Does anybody know where to find any lovely Gackt layouts that're compatible with the free LJ? 

Peace out, my friends! <33333

I feel like I'm about to crawl out of my skin. 


I know that there are so many other people who are less fortunate that I am, and that what I complain about is trivial and in-general, unimportant to the masses. But like the spoiled little brat that I am, I DONT GIVE A RAT'S ASS! ^^ 

So now that I've gotten my complaining out of the way, on the positive side! I shopped my little heart out yesterday at Mitsuwa, the Japanese strip mall/grocery store located on the Hudson. ^^ It was fun! I got a very nice set of dishes, Gackt's Returner cd single, and lots of candies. ^^ My teaset, 2 Sorcerer Hunters manga books, and Gackt Drug Party concert DVD arrived too. Hooooolllllllyyyy Shiiiiiiitttt, Gackt, how you manage to make my heart explode with every new thing you publish. *droooool* It was just so nice to see a simple, low key concert from him instead of a multi million dollar hoopla. And hearing his old songs was phenomenal, even if his voice has changed so much. *big happy sigh* 

And with that i'm gonna take my leave so that I may laugh at the stupidity Miss Brittany Spears keeps pulling. I swear, she's the female Michael Jackson! ><

Christmas loot wasn't too bad, even though I'm miffed as HELL I had to give the 100$ back to my parents so they can send it back to my Aunt Kim. I wonder if my mom will ever understand that by doing this she just stirs up even more bad treatment and drama. This whole thing essentially crashed my summer plans to go live with my grandmother and be a lifegaurd at the beach. F***k. 

I'd say Christmas definately isn't what it used to be, like when I was a little kid and before we moved to Italy. I think that's when things started to go so downhill. I dont remember Christmases being so fucked up. Just toys and general happiness. Which makes me wonder if my bratty little brother said something intelligent for once. 

"Do you think the whole living in Italy thing fucked up the family?" 

Mom's crying her eyes out.

On this not so merry evening, although the pain of the wisdom teeth drama has subsided considerably thanks to a little strip of gauze that tastes of gross clove oil rammed down the hole in my mouth. Geez having that thing put in hurt like a BIIITTTCHHH but at least the pain is gone for the most part. Yay. 

Is anybody else incredibly, freakishly bored? Maybe its because I've been in a drooling, vegetive state for the past couple days and am utterly sick of television and the sofa. But of course the SECOND I get the itch to jump up and get out of the house the stores are closed for the Christmas days. *sniffles* 

Okay I gotta confess, I totally kicked into brat mode and went into my parents room to scope out the Christmas gifts. I found two simple, wrapped gifts in the room. And it wasn't hard to figure out whose was whose, mostly because my mom had told me what she got my brother for Christmas. I got a package that was CLEARLY a DVD--specifically Pirates of the Carribbean III. Not bad I know, but slightly depressing compared to the loot of years past. I miss the days of 10-15 gifts. And yes I know I'm acting like a brat and I dont care!!!! 

Gaaaaahhh YesAsia ran out of Gackt 0079-0088 to send to me! I keep staring at a great big "Checking Local and Overseas warehouses for Item Stock" on my progress reports. *sniffles* 

To go on a minor rant as to why I'm a little bit cranky...earlier today my dad decided to go to the Christmas party my Grandmother threw at her house--WITHOUT asking my brother and I if we wanted to go. This pissed me off because A- there's serious bad blood between our little branch of the family and the extended  B- as much as my grandmother can be emotionally neglecting, I still want to see her once in a while. In any case around 8 'o clock he called my mom to let us know he was on the way home and he was sloshed. Totally does NOT surprise me. And now its almost 11 o clock and he's still drunk, driving in NJ, and "in big trouble". Mom went to church and left her cell phone withe me because she essentially didn't want to deal with my dad. I have half a  mind to go to the church and drag her out because Dad wont let me help him on the phone @#$^Q@#$!!!!!! What am I supposed to do?!!?!?!!?

Today I got my wisdom teeth removed. As of right now I am in a disgusting ammount of pain with two advils and TWO vicodin tablets in my system. I'm drooling like a vegetable, unable to talk, and even after taking vicodin and being told by everybody who's had it that it works wonders for pain...

It doesn't do shit! THE LIARS! I'm still achey as FUCK in the jaws, particularly the bottom set, the little fuckers! And the bastards didn't even save my teeth long enough for me to LOOK at them, much less ask if I could take them home! >< The only good thing was that A- i got to fall asleep listening to Gackt's Fragrance, and B- I was completely and utterly asleep the entire time. An hour and a half and I felt like I was there for two minutes. Freeeeaaaakkkyyy.....

Just now I decided to be utterly and totally stupid and drank some fresca soda. Silly me, I just literally poured lemon juice into the gaping wounds in my mouth. It hurt so much I started crying my eyes out. And now, two hours later I'm still shaking, nauceous from how much blood I've swallowed, and the whole burning-when-I-drink happens even when its water I'm trying to guzzle.  Honestly the only thing keeping me going is the fact that Siobhan and Elise are taking care of me and that I have Gackt's Drug Party concert and 0079-0088 in the mail and on the way to my house. Urrrrggghhhh!!! How I want to crawl in a hole and sleep until the pain goes away...

GRRRRR Mom wont let me have the vicodin! She's shoving Advil pills down my throat. *sobs*

Onto a happier topic before i go puke....

I'm also very happy to announce that I began working on a piece that I hope to publish very soon. "FANGIRL" will be a book all about the mentioned beast, with stories, interviews, poems, fantasies, and quizzes written and illustrated by yours truly! Chances are, I shall be begging those of you on my friends list for opinions and input! ^^  

I am very, very excited. I have just come off of the YesAsia website after ordering my copy of Gackt's latest Gundamshipping CD tribute diddly. I was actually very, very surprised because my Mama bought it for me for my birthday. I woke up yesterday and she asked me the name of the album and told me that she had run around to three different stores looking for it, thinking that it was going to be released here. XD! I felt so bad, probably should have explained to her that the Diablos album is being released here in 08 and you have to order the latest stuff from the websites. But I was touched that she was actually making an effort to help me with Gackt stuff. *feels utterly loved*

 *droooooooool*

Holy crap I can't believe I've actually made it to this point! Over the span of my life, I reflect that i've had several close brushes with death...usually involving a car...but hell, that's because I was one stupid, randy child. And now I'm looking at ten years of being a stupid, randy 20s young woman. 

I've noticed that drama tends to follow me around like a lost frickin' puppy. ESPECIALLY ON MY BIRTHDAYS! At least they're always interesting! This year's drama involves a socially awkward chick on my floor, who decided to facebook me and my entire possi about how bad we treat her and...*screams* its all just too complicated to explain.  But I apologized and said my piece, straight and blunt with her. Maaan I can be such a skank at times...

Whatever, I'm going to enjoy my day of fun and being the princess. XD!!